Nicole


What�s new?

�simple things�

Not doing good with the law
I guess I�m at that age now
that I can�t support my habit
as easy.
(she referred to her looks going earlier)
I can�t even do simple things
like go see a probation officer
go to court
and brush my hair.
I can�t even do nothin.

�monkey on my back�

The recovery houses and stuff,
it�s just bullshit.
There needs to be more services
and there�s not really much for people
that are on methadone.
There�s not really much resources.
There�s like two houses
+ a lot of people don�t
if you want to be on methadone
you have to give up the drugs
because if you don�t give up drugs
methadone�s worse.
So now I�m on two things (coke and meth)
(last interview she mentioned how much worse
meth is to kick than heroine and coke
�like a monkey on your back�.

 �jail�

. . .  that�s where it looks like it�s going to be for me

what do you think it wud take for you to get better?

Well . . . jail (laughs)
I really honestly believe
for me it wud take like,
something like that.
But then you gotta want it
because as soon as I get outta jail

I�m gonna go back to the street.
You need stability.
You need . . .
I need . . .
. . . It�s not getting clean . . .
that�s not the hard part.
It�s getting new friends, you know.
You can�t talk to your girlfriends
even if you�re not using with them.
You can�t talk to them.
It cud change everything, you know.
You gotta have new friends.
You gotta go to meetings.
You gotta change everything, you know.
 

'Easier than getting beer'

what about even moving out of town?

That don�t matter.
If you want dope enough,
you�ll get it.
Oh yeh.
That would help, definitely
cause it�s so available.
I mean you can get dope easier
than getting fucking beer,
for fuck�s sakes.
You can go buy a rock
but u can�t go to the store
to buy some cigarettes
you know.
It�s so fucked up.

Your daughter — does she think you are not well when she sees you?

She knows I�m not well.
I�m HIV.
Yeh, I�m not well.
for 4 or 5 years now, yeh.

She�s pretty young (6 ½), but does your daughter know you have a drug problem:

Oh yeh.
She knows what needles are.
She knows what sex is.
She knows . . .
Oh yeh, oh yeh.
She�s a very smart kid
you know, very smart kid.
Very stubborn kid, you know,
kinda like me.
She�s stubborn but she�s aware
and she knows that I�m sick.
She knows I won�t be around
you know.
Like she goes to play therapy
and counseling and stuff
because of me, you know.
Like, her life has been dysfunctional
her whole life
and she�s getting better now
and I�m getting worse.


 

�abortion�

And if I can get one message,
hey fuck,
if you�re using dope,
you get pregnant,
fucking have an abortion man.
Have an abortion, you know
don�t carry it to full term.
Because you know
you say you�ll give it up for adoption
but then you won�t.
You try to clean up
and you won�t.
it�s fucked up

because chances are
you aren�t goin to stay clean.
You might stay clean for a few months
or even people stay
for years and years and years.
And then fucking people go back

and that kid doesn�t have a choice.
You know what I mean . . ?

. . . If you are a drug addict
a person shud not have a choice.

like if they�re are out selling your ass on the street,
you are subjecting that child to so many fucking things.
Right, you know.
Say they made an effort,
makin  a good effort
to clean up and they want to stay clean,
and they stay clean.
Then yeh, okay
if you are going to make an effort
go through with it.
You deserve a chance
but then 3 or 4 months
if you don�t want to quit period.
But then having that child
you know, should not be an option,
you know, everyone deserves a chance
a fresh start.

What do you think would be the best thing to say to your child to explain how you got where you are today?

How I got to where I am?
. . . peer pressure.

How would you keep your daughter away from that?
How would you warn her about that?

How would I warn her about that?
Don�t hang out with the fucking cool kids, man.
They are smoking cigarettes
. . . she knows all about that.
Because I think,
she sees how fucked up I am.
She don�t want nothing
to do with that shit.
Nothing.
Nothin.
She�s dead set against it.
But, she can tell when I�m lying.
Oh no, I don�t think it�s goin to happen to her
because she saw how bad it was for me.
No, I think it scared the shit out of her.
She�s a smart kid

(And I keep thinking this girl is only 6 and a half)

Usually, it�s inherent.
Third generation.
You inherit those genes.
But I don�t think
it�s going to happen to her

(Nicole thinks she sees a cop car)

�unless. . .�

I may be a junkie,
but I am honest.
I am fuckin honest.
Fuckin straight up.
No fuckin bullshit
unless . . .
unless . . .
Unless . . . it uh . . . boils down
to having money
or no money
. . . to get my fix
. . . I�ll lie.
 

�You�re not a friend and you don�t got a friend�

People who you think are friends,
you have no fucking friends down here.
The only thing that is your friend
is your fucking dope.
You know, you got no fucking friends here.
You know, and you know . . .

you are not a friend.

You�re not a friend
and you don�t got a friend.
You can�t trust
and you can not be trusted.
It�s do or die down here

�field trip�

This is hard core fucking shit
you know.
People think it�s fucking cool
you know,
getting high and all this and that.
You fuckin get a person down here
you know for a fucking, you know,
. . . a young kid,
spend fucking 24 hours.
Take then all down these streets
even for fuckin 5 or 6 hours.
I�ll guarantee
it will scare the fucking shit out of him.
Takin someone around,
that�s what people should do
instead of these field trips.
Take them down here for a fuckin field trip.

�junkie shadow�

Take them down here
for a fuckin field trip man . . .
fuckin
spend a few hours
spend the day
with a junkie.
Where they go to do their fix
just like their shadow.
Like be a fuckin junkie shadow man.
And I swear,
you do that
and these fucking young people . . .
that will get the fucking message through
real fast.
It would you know.


 

�A day in the life of a junkie�

You know you got all these
TV ad fuckin shits
fucking, bring em down here.
Even spending 2 fucking hours down here,
doin everything to doin your nails
to you know, doin a score
to havin to watch out for the cops
(nicole had been watching out for cops
through the whole interview)
robbing somebody.

A day . . .

a day in the junkie�s life.

You know what I am saying?
That will get the message through.
That will get the message thru to all these counseling shit
bring them all down here for a day.
And I guarantee
that�ll do it.

Spending all this money
on this fucking advertising.
It�s bullshit.

�The whole picture�

. . . jeopardizing people�s lives.
Peoples� lives are at stake, right.
I don�t care about my life,
so why the fuck shud I care about yours?
Right?
They gotta put that in mind too, you know.
Then they got the whole picture
 
 





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Copyright 2001:  Ellavon: An Ezine of Basic Culture and Kat Kosiancic.
Black-and-white photo by Kat Kosiancic.