my little girl

Itís been so long since my little girl
has been with my mom.
Thatís so hard for me to even talk about
because itís not what I wanted for her.
I wanted so much more for her and I
. . . and I havenít done that.
I feel like Iíve cheated her and myself
out of something that would have been so awesome
and I canít take it back.
. . . I missed all those years with her
the precious years, you know.

. . . itís learning
and itís about choices you make
with what you learned
and I made some pretty damn bad choices man.
. . . really bad choices.
When I gave her to my mom to take care of
I did it because . . .
because I loved her
and I didnít want her to see
the kind of life I was living
and I didnít want her to be brought up around that.
I didnít want her to live what she learned,
in that respect,
and I didnít want to neglect her.
So before I got to that point with her
I did what I thought was the best thing
which was to put her with my mom.
It wasnít supposed to be for this long.

. . . a good mom
Thatís all I ever wanted to be

    My daughterís going to be 12 in August
    and if you remember from my interview,
    12 years old was when a lot of things
    changed in my life,
    a lot of things happened to me
    And Iíve been thinking about that.
    Iíve been thinking about her
    and how she feels
    and what sheís feeling now
    and how her bodyís changing and everything.
    I donít want her to have
    negative memories or feelings
    about her puberty,

         or her turning into a teenager
         as I have.
         I donít want that to come from me.
         I want good things for her.
         And sheís such a wonderful little girl.
         Sheís so smart.
         Sheís just good, a good girl.
         She really is.
         Sheís a good person.
         Iím missing a lot.

6 block radius

I need to distance myself from this area,
get myself away from the rock.
A geographical change does not cure addiction,
but not being so readily close at hand
does make some difference.
If you have other things
you can do with your life, your time
that interests you
instead of everything surrounding itself
around drugs.
and my life has been nothing but
nothing but down here.
Itís like taking a bus to Burnaby
or even downtown Vancouver
is like a big excursion for me,
cause I never get away from down here.
Iím always within a 6 block radius

. . . like someone said
ĎItís like a bubble.í

Update in May 2001:

Wendy has been on methadone for a month
after being addicted to heroine for 18 years.
Her goals are to:
get back to my daughter
and be a good mom.
Thatís all I ever wanted to be.




Copyright 2001:  Ellavon: An Ezine of Basic Culture and Kat Kosiancic.